This will probably be pretty brief because I don’t know that I have much to say, but today is my 100th day after transplant and I thought I should note it.
It’s fair to say that I was clueless about what this would involve. I don’t know why that would be – I read everything I knew to read. But I truly believed that at 100 days there would be some magical snap of the fingers and everything would be back to normal, as if I hadn’t even been through the process. The truth is that this is an on-going process and I could still have transplant concerns a year from now.
When I look at the past 100 days, I realize I’ve made tremendous progress, but I still have a long way to go. Return to normal? As one care-giver said, “Normal is a setting on your dryer.”
I have an opportunity for a new life, of sorts. It seems pretty amazing to say that, doesn’t it? Cancer doesn’t have to be a death sentence. I am one of the fortunate ones who can say that and believe it. 100 days ago I couldn’t stop scratching myself because every square inch of my skin itched. 100 days ago my skin always hurt, as if I were suffering from a bad sunburn. Just average touches from other people, like shaking hands, hurt. 100 days ago I was always cold, even in rooms that other people felt were uncomfortably warm.
All of that just went away. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t even notice it – someone had to point it out to me.
The bad days are the ones filled with doubt. Will I get better? Why aren’t I improving faster? What will it mean if something unexpected happens? Transplant isn’t a course of action for diehard pessimists.
The good days are when I can see or feel the improvement.
As far as I know, my last day is still Monday. I’ve developed a rash on my face, which my doctor thinks could be GVHD. However, she said that if it doesn’t get any worse, I should still be able to go home. Since Tracy has given notice on the apartment, we both are fervently hoping for a sanctioned dismissal. Otherwise we may have to resort to a breakout.
So, I guess I acknowledge the 100 days as a milestone, but the journey continues. Here’s hoping I make good use of the journey.